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Here are some of my recent blog entries. More
at Joking Smoker and
Hooked on Droid.
Two favorite REAL funny photos - Exit before Tweeting and
Serving Size one bite
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Not much need be said about these two great photos. If you
really want one of the Exit Before Tweeting signs you can
order from Shark Robot.
Hey look! Only 80 calories! But check out the Serving Size.
Creepy or cool?
QR codes on tombstones; Homer Simpson in the flesh photo
Thursday, September 29, 2011
In Japan, they are putting QR codes on tombstones at
cemeteries. That way, visitors to the grave can scan the
code with their Smartphone and see a picture of the
deceased, read a eulogy or even watch a video. I'd make a
video before I died of me inside of a coffin, still alive,
pounding to get out. And I'd make sure there was a shovel
nearby.
Homer in the flesh. Is this
disgusting or hilarious?
I'm thinking both.
Let me tell you what I think about the cost of homes, lighting
cigars, whether Google makes you stupid and let's rethink ink
Monday, September 26, 2011
Random thoughts from a dime-a-dozen,
cheap, two-bit stand-up comic:
The "Fuck the Public" Effect
How is it that the cost of homes are low and everything else is
high? I believe it's the "fuck the public" effect. Whichever way
screws over the general population is how it will go. Since
people own homes, the value is so low that they can't sell them.
But if they need to buy something that they do not yet own, it's
outrageously expensive.
Maybe it's me!
I know I've probably given a not-so-great review to a cigar or
two because i didn't take care in lighting it. Then, I
complained that it didn't burn right. My bad.
I've noticed that if I'm outside in even a very mild breeze,
that my cigars do not burn nearly as well as if I fire them up
in my garage before stepping into the breeze.
For the best light us SST lighters, rotate above the flame
without puffing, then finally, slow steady draws as you continue
rotating. If you get a cigar lit properly and then it burns
poorly, now that's an issue.
People just don't think any more?
I disagree with those who say that Google is making people
stupid by giving them such easy access to so much information.
Game show superstar Ken Jennings said in the recent Time
Magazine interview that he's worried there's less value placed
on broad general knowledge because Google is so readily
available.
I think the opposite is true. People will now research and learn
about things that they never would have before because the
knowledge is right there at their fingertips. Thus, making them
smarter methinks.
So, shut up Mr. Jeopardy Smartie Pants.
Does ink stink?
I think the fact that many characters in movies who happen to
have the same tattoos as the actors playing them doesn't work
most of the time. If you know you're going to be pretending to
be someone else and there's a chance you may take your clothes
off, you might want to think twice before having a giant picture
of your mate tatooed to your ass.
How to impress strangers or maybe humiliate them for fun
If you're going out to dinner with someone you don't know very
well, or worse yet someone you don't like very much, it's a good
idea to do a little preparation so that you have something to
talk about.
For instance, if you know they're into sports, check out the
sports headlines and read a couple of articles. It may also be a
good idea to spend a half hour browsing the Yahoo News web page.
That way you'll know a little bit about everything and will be
able to chime in on most any topical conversation. The economy,
world news, pop culture, gossip.
And if, by chance, they don't bring up any of these topics, you
can do it and maybe make them look stupid which, when you really
don't like someone, is always fun.
Rock, Paper, Scissors online
Even though I thnk it's really cool that there is an online
version of Rock, Paper, Scissors, I think it's weird that the
New York times is the one who created it.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
To paraphrase Frank Zappa's line about
young people and music: "America's Got Talent" judge Piers
Morgan wouldn't know talent if it bit him in the ass. I know
that they say that he's just "playing the role" of the mean guy
on the American version of the show, but I wouldn't risk having
the whole world view me as an asshole just for the gig. Okay,
yes I would. But, still.
His inability to see the humor of the only two actual comedians
on the show (J. Chris Newburg and Geechy Guy) should be
indication enough that he has no business sitting in the judges
chair. The other judges liked them. The audience was howling
with laughter. And Piers had the audacity to tell Geechy Guy
that his jokes were like getting hit in the head with a hammer.
Maybe actually getting hit in the head with a hammer would knock
some sense into him.
I'm sure there are some defenders of his opinions. Every once in
a while I even agree with him. But his arrogant, ill-informed
opinions have repeatedly shown that he just doesn't know what
the hell he is talking about.
Take for instance when singer Taylor Davis made his final
appearance on August 2nd, Piers criticized him saying that he
was singing off-key. He was not singing off key. That was
verified by people who actually can tell if someone is singing
off key. Can't judge humor. Can't judge singers. And why is he
there?
Oh, maybe because he can judge novelty, dance and danger acts?
Nope. He sucks at that as well.
In the past two weekly opportunities to put through either the
number four or number five most voted-for contestants he showed
his incredible ineptness again. Last week, he chose Professor
Splash (the guy who dives into a small pool of water) as the one
to move on to the next round. Piers stated that he put him
through because he thought he had the best chance to have a
great show in Vegas. Really? REALLY? This is the same guy who,
after his last dive, had to be taken to the hospital to be
checked out and his body was covered in bruises. And Piers
thinks that he can do this multiple times per day in Vegas? What
are they going to do, add a hospital wing onto the casino?
Then, last night (August 3rd), Piers had to decide between
comedian/impressionist Melissa Villasenor and juggler Charles
Peachock. Although Melissa had a very good first set in the
early going, it was pretty clear that she was new to the
business and doesn't really have all that much material. Her
first set included impressions of Kathy Griffin Miley Cyrus and
they were spot on, but she even indicated that she's pretty much
an open miker and I suspected that her first spot exhausted her
best material. She proved me right with her last appearance
which didn't have a lick of comedy in it, and the impressions
were only okay at best.
But, back to Piers Morgan. To further point out that he really
doesn't have a clue, he mildly admonished Melissa by pointing
out that she was much better in the Vegas round. She wasn't even
in Vegas. She was put right through to the Hollywood round.
Oops. Hey Piers, was that your Paula Abduhl impression?
So again, it came down to Piers deciding between Melissa and
Charles as to who gets to move on (with one vote each from Howie
Mandel and Sharon Osbourne). Instead of choosing the act who has
exhibited three separate and somewhat amazing juggling
spectacles which looked very much like a Vegas act, he chose the
one with very little experience and even less material.
Please, NBC, get this dufus off the show. Let him go back to CNN
and his other show, where he exhibits that he's almost as bad an
interviewer as he is a judge.
Sorry, Piers, but you know what they say: Judge not, lest ye be
judged.
So, here's what I think you should do: Go to the
NBC Wild Card page and click on Geechy Guy to return to the
show. He has "so many jokes it's not even funny" and would bring
actual comedy back to AGT.
Geechy Guy tells jokes. Piers Morgan is one.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Sometimes the funniest things aren't intended to be funny. In this
case, they're intended to be funny, yet they are mostly funny in a
totally different manner than intended.
As you
may know, I have a number of web sites (Click
On Comedy, Interactive Lunacy,
Cell Phone Reality TV,
Dirty Joke Show), most of them just an outlet for my desire
to share the stupid shit I think of or discover. Okay, they are
also a way to generate a little extra money with advertising
revenue and additional comedy gigs.
So, as
part of my webmaster duties, I research other websites (aka:
competitors) to see how their sites are doing, how my relevant
keywords compare to theirs and blah, blah, blah. On this
occasion I was comparing other sites to a joke page I created
which contained a few hand-picked
jokes directly from "The Dirty Joke Show" starring Geechy
Guy and appearing nightly at Hooters Casino in Las Vegas (plug,
plug).
While
researching the keywords "funny jokes" I came across a web site
that came up very high in the rankings even though the content
didn't actually qualify as "really funny jokes."
I don't
know any of this to be true, but I believe that the owner of
this site is in another country, let's say Indonesia. And he/she
has taken funny Indonesian jokes and translated them to English.
These "really funny jokes" were then posted on their web site
and promoted as a "really funny jokes" page. (Notice how I keep
repeating "really funny jokes?" That's so when others are
searching for "really funny jokes" they may find this blog page.
I'm such a whore.)
Here are
a few examples of the translated really funny jokes:
"A
political man come in football final as a chief guest . when the
match ends then he said i m really unhappy to see the situation
both team players are running behind the one ball. give me votes
i will give separate separate football to every one. Nice Best
Funny Joke!"
"two
friends met together first said: once a time a horrible accident
was take place with me. lion was come in front of me and trying
to eat me,
second friend : then what you do?
first friend: i will go to other side from the cage of lion.
Marvelous Best Funny Joke!"
"mother to son: son what happened?
son : nothing mom a little injury takes on my finger.
mother: then why you don’t weep?
son: i thought that you are not at home.
Nice Best Funny Joke!"
[NOTE: I actually
understand this joke.]
"a
elephant and mouse was best friends, one day mouse ask the age
of elephant.
elephant replied: two years.
mouse: repeat the question.
elephant again replied two years then mouse said i m also of 2
years just i m not well due to illness.
Awesome Best Funny Joke"
"child to other:what can
you like laughing or weeping .
2nd replied: weeping.
1st child : why?
2nd child: because my father can gave me money to stop crying.
Cant stop laughing, really
good best Funny Joke!"
Oh please, stop. My sides. My
sides.
Let me know if you want more
funny translations of really nice best awesome marvelous funny
jokes.
Other fun pages:
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