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A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, “You’re going to have to stop masturbating.” The guy asks, “How come?” The doctor says, “Because it’s distracting me.”


Do you know why they call the middle part of a woman the “waist?” Because there was room for couple more tits.


Two flies are sitting on a pile of poop when one farts. The other says, “Do you mind, I’m eating.”


A bar owner says to his bartender, “Are you sleeping with the waitress?” The bartender says, “No!” The owner says, “Good, you fire her.”


Two ladies at the supermarket. One picks up a couple of potatoes.

Lady one: These potatoes remind me of my husband’s balls.

Lady two: Really. That big?

Lady one: No, that dirty.

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Lady at the hardware store: “I need a hinge.”

Lady: “No, but I’ll blow you for the toaster.”> Lady: “No, but I’ll blow you for the toaster.”

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

Doctor to man: “Your wife has either syphilis or Alzheimer’s. We don’t know which.”
Man: “How can I find out which one she has?”
Doctor: “Take her 20 miles from home and drop her off. If she comes back…don’t fuck her.”

Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?
A: When she can fit into your wife’s clothes.


A large woman walks into a bar carrying a duck. The bartender says, "Where did you get that pig?" The woman is incredulous and says, "It’s a duck." The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

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